CarolynAnn’s Gladiolas

I turned my grief into wallpaper.

Grieving Through Artmaking

My mother, CarolynAnn, died in 2022 after living with dementia. I miss her every day.

She loved gladiolas. We gave them to her on special occasions. She loved their vibrant colors and their drama — tall stems reaching upward, blossoms spreading wide in a vase on the table. After she passed, my Auntie Yolanda filled her ofrenda with towering bouquets of gladiolas.

Carolyn Ann, June 1970. A silk jumpsuit and headscarf she sewed herself for my father’s City College graduation.

CarolynAnn was a maker. She taught me how to paint, sew, crochet, and knit. After she died, I kept making things to hold onto her: t-shirts printed with her photograph, candles with her image, lavender sachets embroidered with her name. While renovating my apartment, I found myself gravitating toward her favorite colors and a midcentury modern palette. I put pictures of her everywhere, but I wanted something bigger and more immersive.

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Designing a Garden for Her

Early pattern studies

Around that time, I began experimenting with Midjourney, inspired by my friend Joy (her substack is The Future in Black). While learning the tool, I discovered the --tile command, which generates seamless repeat patterns.

I wondered: could I create a seamless gladiola pattern inspired by CarolynAnn?

I experimented with colorways, styles, and scale. The gladiolas were lush, painterly, and varied — and one colorway stood out. I generated both a bright and a pastel version, but the pastel palette felt unmistakably like her.

After generating the patterns, I ran them through a Seamless Texture Checker to test the repeat and experiment with scale. Once I was confident the pattern worked, I uploaded it to Spoonflower.

That’s when the project shifted.

I realized I could print CarolynAnn’s Gladiolas not just as wallpaper or fabric, but as sheets, curtains, pillows — entire environments.

A Garden on My Ceiling

I ordered a wallpaper sample and was stunned when it arrived. The colors were saturated and alive. I carried it everywhere and showed it off to all my friends and family. It looked real, and it felt like her. I immediately ordered a full roll of wallpaper and additional fabric swatches.

I made different moodboards of different spaces in my apartment. Of all the places, one space felt right: the ceiling of my hallway dressing room. A narrow corridor with closets on either side. I wanted to look up and feel her presence around me.

From Grief to Joy and Obsession

Seeing CarolynAnn’s gladiolas on the ceiling each day changed the energy of the space. The hallway became a small garden overhead. It brought me joy and a little bit of healing.

And then it became an obsession.

Everything, everywhere, all at once.

I printed the pattern onto fabric and made a hot yoga top. I turned it into a phone wallpaper and a desktop background. I used it as a banner in Notion. I started imagining more — a cropped top, curtains, maybe something unexpected.

What began as grief became something else — a signature pattern that made me happy and proud. It gave me another way to keep her with me.

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Thanks for reading! If you’ve ever made something to help you deal with a difficult time in your life, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

And if the story of the wallpaper I made to honor my mother resonated with you, feel free to like, comment, ask a question, share, or restack. It helps my creative experiments travel a little further. 💕